Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Australia. Let's not call it "Oz" anymore.

Hugh Jackman is People's new Sexiest Man Alive, and apparently it's got something to do with him appearing in a storm of epic mediocrity called Australia. As usual, Metacritic's employees felt obligated to retain their jobs by "aggregating" reviews. Let's line 'em up and knock 'em down.

At the top of the lineup, Cammila Albertson of TV Guide embarrasses herself by typing: "Australia goes for the absolute limit in terms of scope. And let's not be coy -- size may not matter, but it still helps."

Cammila, you're thinking about Hugh, aren't you? Don't be shy, you can tell us.


It really shouldn't be this easy. I'm going to have to say that again.


By the way, Cammila--try to parse your clichés before typing them. "Size may not matter, but it still helps" is illogical. You're a critic, dammit. The cliché you were looking for was "Size matters." Also, "goes for the absolute limit in terms of scope"? So, does it start with the biblical creation? The Big Bang? Or just the cooling of the earth's crust? Does it end with the expansion of our sun? The even dispersion of particles in the final triumph of entropy? Wow, does that sound boring!

Oh, was this slang? You're the limit, Cammila! You're too much! By which I mean you're overweight. Or too tall. Or your nose is big. Whichever one bothers you the most.

Seriously, she is. If you've noticed my ire increasing, there's a reason: While writing this little rant, I hopped over and took a gander at her blog. Cammila is proud of being at the top of the list for Australia's entry on metacritic. She blogged about it.

How many times in your life have you seen an overly-positive review (cough-CORLISS-cough) and wondered, "Hey, do they just want to see their names in print or something?" The answer: YES! Cammila has come right out in the open about it. She's proud of it, in that oh-look-at-me-mock-myself-as-shamelessly-self-promoting-I-must-be-funny way that is the only social refuge of the shallow and vain. Look at her beautiful-people "friends" posting on her blog, encouraging her that her entries such as "I've arbitrarily decided Xena: Warrior Princess is my favorite TV show!" are clever and cute. Does anyone in her circle point out the irony of a critic who writes for TV Guide making openly-arbitrary decisions about favorite television? Of course not.

And check out the photos...truly, here is a woman who banks on her appearance. I showed the blog to my girlfriend...she laughed at her and said, "She practices crying in the mirror."

That's at you, Cammila...not with you. We tried to muster up some pity, but...no soup for you.

Go to Cammila's blog and marvel...she'll love it, because any publicity is good publicity, right?

After discovering this display, I don't have the stomach to dissect the remaining reviews of Australia. There, but by the grace of God, go we.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

According to Metacritic, the Top Five Films of All Time

So, one of the GREATEST FILMS OF ALL TIME came out this year.

The number two greatest film of all time: Superman II.

I don't think the guys at Metacritic will be entering the Netflix million dollar contest anytime soon.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Another reason Metacritic is Useless

Tell me you haven't experienced this.
It's not that it's an old DVD. It just came out on Blu-ray. I know it's been reviewed.
More later.